Garrus Gets a Prostate Exam
by Xysnei
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. This crackficlet was written for a prompt made by the Garrus thread over at the BioWare Social Network.


**A/N: I wrote this ficlet for a prompt made by the Garrus thread over at the BioWare Social Network. Come check us out if you have the time!**

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Garrus sighed as he took a step closer to his goal, his doom, his personal hell.

It was early on the _Normandy SR-2_. Five 'o clock in the morning, to be exact. The lights were still out, the crew was still asleep, and the CIC was so quiet that he could hear his own labored breathing as he inched ever closer to what could possibly be his final resting place. But he wouldn't be afraid. He wouldn't allow himself to be afraid. He had faced Saren, after all. Saren, geth, rachni, mercs, Cerberus soldiers - he had seen all, conquered all. He'd shot criminals in the head with a sniper rifle, pistol-whipped Blue Suns who had been so foolish to cross paths with him. He had personally made sure Saren was dead when Shepard had ordered him to do so.

But none of those things, not even Saren, could compare to the torture he would probably undergo next. Willingly, even. His expression turned into a scowl. The sheer disgustingness of the very idea made him wobble on his feet uneasily, not unlike a man who had just been shot in his leg and was limping to cover. It felt like it, anyway.

Finally, Garrus closed the distance between him and the door. He was sure what he'd find behind it. Various instruments of horrible torture, made only to hurt and scar him even more than he already was. What purpose was there in dragging it out even further by lingering here?

He reached out a hand to press the button on the door's panel that would open it. His breath caught in his throat as he was blinded by the bright light beyond - it was like the fires of Hell itself.

"Garrus. How can I help?"

Mordin's lab.

"I..." Garrus began uncomfortably. He had gone over what he was going to say many times in his head, but he still felt unprepared. "I need your help with something, Mordin."

The overly friendly salarian doctor eyed him with a certain amount of amusement before he stepped away from his lab table.

"Was actually preparing for test involving Collector tissue samples," he explained, as jovial as ever. "If problem directly affects mission, however-"

"It does," Garrus cut him off. "And I can't go to Chakwas."

Mordin tapped his shapely lips with one of his long, spindly fingers and made a thoughtful sound. "Ah, so problem is medical."

Garrus swallowed and slowly nodded his head up and down.

"Have to know where problem is." The professor quickly cleared all unneeded datapads and tools from his lab table before urging Garrus to sit down on it. "Itch? Pains? Sexually transmitted disease?" He paused. "Allergic problems? Thought I told you and Shepard not to engage in oral sex."

Garrus raised both of his hands in a "hold it" gesture. "No, it's not an allergic reaction!"

"Then what is problem?" Mordin asked, his eyes trained on Garrus' own. "You seem…uncomfortable to speak of it aloud."

"It hurts," was all Garrus could get out of his throat.

"What hurts?" Mordin walked over to Garrus, examining him closely.

"My…my…" He slowly brought his hands to his behind, and rubbed it to make a point. An awkward pause followed. Neither of the men said anything, until Mordin returned to his place behind the lab table, seemingly grabbing a box that was lying on the floor and placing it on the table, next to his microscope. He shot Garrus a look that could only be reassuring.

"Undress. Might need rubber gloves for this one."

For once in his life, Garrus didn't have a snarky comment ready to be used.

"_What_ do you want me to do?"

Mordin looked slightly annoyed at this, and crossed his arms over his chest. "Undress," he said again. This time, it sounded more like an order than just regular doctor's advice. "Never had a medical examination before?"

"I have, it's just that-" Garrus shuddered at the thought of having someone look at his naked body. This was _exactly _why he hadn't gone to Chakwas. Word passed quickly on the Normandy, and were anyone to find out that Garrus had some kind of virulent disease, they would avoid him just like they'd avoided Kelly Chambers in the entire duration of the scale itch incident. Until now, Shepard was quite possibly the only one on the ship who had seen him naked. EDI could've seen him, too, but even if she had, she hadn't said a word about it yet. And he still didn't trust Massani and his cameras.

He remained silent for a few more seconds before finally sliding his hands up his body to pull off his tunic. Mordin didn't even stare; probably because this was just as much second nature to him as sniping was to Garrus.

"No-no-no-no," the salarian stopped him. "Pull pants down and bend over lab table. Will do the rest myself." The salarian made it sound as if he was going to do unspeakable things to Garrus' ass once it was exposed.

Garrus grumbled, but grudgingly did what he was asked to do, slipping his fingers behind the waist of his pants and dropping them to the floor. His mandibles clamped to his face in shame. This would probably hurt his sense of honor more than it would hurt him physically. He gripped the edges of the lab table with his talons tightly and bent over forward, nearly falling over while doing so.

"What are you going to do?" Garrus asked, mentally slapping himself mere moments after he did so. Why did he even _want _to know what kind of sick experiments Solus would perform on him? This whole thing didn't make any sense; he was probably better off _not _thinking about it.

"Will have to take a closer look." came the doctor's reply from behind him. There were two _snap _sounds - Mordin had probably put on the rubber gloves. The wet sound that followed made Garrus almost lose the previous evening's dinner. "Lubricating gloves…"Mordin trailed off as he lifted his hands from the stramge liquid. "Done."

Wait, did he say _**lubricating**__?_

Garrus reached to pull his pants back up again - a pure act of self defense if there ever was one, but it was too late. Mordin already stood behind him, a smile etched on his face.

"Ready for prostate exam?" he chirped.

Prostate exam.

_Prostate exam._

_**Prostate exam.**_

Garrus squirmed, tried to reach for his pants, but Mordin, who turned out to be surprisingly strong, held him down. "Can't perform examination with you moving around!" he exclaimed. "Hold still!"

Garrus' hands returned to the table, where they remained.

"Good," Mordin noted, awkwardly stroking Garrus' back. "Relax. Will only hurt a bit." He continued rubbing his three-fingered hands up and down, from the turian's shoulders to his waist. It felt…it felt wonderful. Garrus made a sound of approval. Hell, he could go for a massage like this every day.

And then Mordin's hands went straight down to his exposed ass. Damn.

"Hmm," Mordin sighed, kneeling down to look at Garrus from below. The situation was getting more and more uncomfortable by the second. "Testicles look healthy. Probably functional. Have to be, after I treated Shepard's allergic reactions yesterday." He chuckled. "Mentioned an allergy to nuts. Knew what the real problem was."

Garrus closed his eyes and shook his head. _Mordin was examining his balls. _Things could only get better from here.

He was snapped back to reality by a cold, lubricated hand near his anus.

He had been wrong.

So things _could _get worse.

He gritted his teeth, preparing for the pain that would come. And it came soon enough. Mordin wasn't even careful while inserting his finger into Garrus' ass. Spirits be damned, it burned. It fucking _burned. _The constant scientific notes Mordin made for himself didn't do anything to ease the pain either. Apparently, the doctor liked to say that he had "never been inside a turian before", and that Garrus was a "healthy male turian specimen". Garrus growled. He was his comrade, not his scientific experiment!

All went dark when Mordin pushed his finger in even deeper.

Garrus had survived a rocket to the face. How could a prostate exam floor him?

Spirits be damned. _Spirits be damned._

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The mess hall was always busy at six 'o clock in the morning. People came and went to get coffee, breakfast, or just for a quick chat with other crew members. Joker sat silently in a chair, minding his own business and sipping his coffee. EDI had temporarily taken the helm, and that meant break time for him.

"Joker, have you seen Garrus around?" Tali asked, sitting down next to him. "I can't seem to find him anywhere, and he promised he'd help me clean the engines today."

"No, haven't seen him." Joker leaned back in his seat, setting his mug down on the table. "You should ask Shepard; she's practically taken control of him lately."

"Well, I was going to-" Tali managed, but she got interrupted by the hiss of the elevator doors. Out walked Garrus, trembling on his feet and clearly disturbed by something he'd seen.

"Are you doing alright, Garrus?" Kelly asked.

"I don't want to talk about it." And with that, Garrus walked to his station at the main battery, still quavering uneasily.

"I hope there's nothing wrong with him," Tali said, looking away.

"He walked like a krogan did a number on his ass." Jack stifled a laugh. Realizing that Tali was staring at her, she added "Oh, come on, like you didn't think of it."

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**- Epilogue -**

Shepard was surprised to see that the Normandy had gained another passenger. A krogan doctor. Fortack wasn't the brightest scientist she'd ever met, but no-one dared to say that straight to his face.

Strange, though; she'd never approved of Fortack joining the Normandy crew. One day, after they left Tuchanka, he was just…there. She'd asked everyone on the ship if they knew more about it, but nobody did. And then she'd just left it at that.

The only hint she might've gotten about what exactly Fortack was doing on the Normandy was a cryptic comment from Garrus. She'd approached him one day, greeted him, and asked him if he knew anything about the krogan that had taken up refuge in Mordin's lab.

The turian just laughed and replied, "You humans have a saying. An eye for an eye; a life for a life. Mordin owes me a prostate exam, and I intend to collect."

Mordin walked very uneasily the day after that.

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**A/N: That was...weird to write.**


End file.
